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Saga of the Cataract

October 13th, 2010

As I recover from cataract surgery on my left eye, I have decided to journal the event. The experience was interesting. Once the date had been set, I waited with some concern while the time drew near. Among the many things I contemplated was how the implant would effect how I viewed my subjects. I never worried about this with glasses because those were only magnifying devices that helped my over-the-hill presbyopian lenses see details I had been able to see from across the room. But this! This was going to be a full-blown entrance into the world of Cyborgasm. I even asked the Doc if I could get an implant that would let me have x-ray vision or one that would allow me to see in infrared. Unfortunately, those options aren't available right now.

As the day arrived, I was driven to the hospital (for some reason, I was suddenly to frail to drive or as my wife had always assumed, to blind. Even though I read every sign and license plate on the way there.) Once in the room, I was dilated, stuck, undressed, taped and assured that everything would go well. Had I harbored any thoughts to the contrary, I would not have been there in the first place. Even so, I had already practiced drawing with one eye and was sure I could handle it if anything not go as planned.

My wife is a nurse at this hospital so as her husband, I felt it my duty to leave as memorable an impression on the staff as possible during the short time I was a guest of the establishment. As I was wheeled into the operating room, I raised a plaintive hand from the stretcher and in homage to one of my favorite films uttered one of the most famous lines in cinema, "Soylent Green is people!" I don't know how many of the staff got it but my wife was totally mortified even though this line was her favorite also. She always seems to get a kick out of it when Charlton Heston rages it in that final scene. Maybe it was my delivery. Oh well!

I wont go into the actually surgery as I think I may have signed some sort of nondisclosure agreement, other than to say, it was over almost as soon as it started as far as I was concerned. Those anesthetists know their stuff. Once I had awakened enough to assure them I was not brain dead, they rolled me out.

Back in the room, I was given my final instructions and got to see my eye patch. It most closely resembled a spoon with evenly spaced holes in it. Kind of like an insect eye. Cyborgian. Cool!

At this point, I wanted to utter some appropriate Borg phrases like "Resistance is futile" or "Your distinctiveness will be absorbed into the collective" but thought better of it. They had me in a wheelchair after all. But, there in the elevator I beheld Santa wearing the same apparatus on his right eye as I had installed on my left. I say Santa because he had long flowing white hair and beard and was possessed of the jocular rotundity so embodied in that jolly elf. I looked across and our eye met. I gave him a thumbs up and blurted, " Put us together and we have a completes set!" Behind me I heard the anticipated “Gasp” from my wife. I wheeled through one door as Santa stretchered through the opposite. I turned to my wife as she was shaking her head and muttering something I didn’t catch (bionic ears are next on my list) and said, “I didn’t know they operated on Santas here.” Another gasp followed by more muttering and as I rolled down the hall I decided that whatever my punishment was to be, it had been worth it.

My cyborg eye is healing fine and it tests with 20-25 vision. I will still have to wear reading glasses but I feel confident that the process hasn’t affected my ability to play the piano. I couldn’t play before and still can’t.

I have reached two decisions as a result of this event. First, I intend to schedule my other eye as soon as possible. Second, my Halloween Character is a no brainer. Lee Majors, watch out. Bionic ears are next.